Fountain of Youth

It feels like forever since I have been able to collect my thoughts and venture into the "world of words" where I can totally be myself and express what I cannot show or feel most of the time.  I love to write, and express the meaning of my words and how simple a word may seem, but when combined with other words how it can bring the smallest of memory to the great heights or it can destroy with simple timing.  It has been 2 years now since my unexplained, unplanned, unnecessary divorce, but I guess it was necessary if two people aren't on board.  You take a dream, you make a dream and plan a life that you honestly and truly believe is for the right things, and you commit to trust.  That is a good thing.  A very good thing!  When it falls apart and leaves the remains of your dreams laying in your lap, and the mass destruction of finances and friendships blowing in the wind, you are left with this disastrous  spot in your heart and spirit that seems dark, sad and unfulfilled.  Let's hope that no one actually gets married to go to court to get divorced, but it happens.  Divorce, desertion, etc., it happens.  People sometimes change, or circumstances happen that are just unacceptable, or past events  rear their ugly heads and start messing with the present time.  Fear causes us a lot of grief and sometimes running from ourselves lands us running from the very thing that was believed to be the most important thing.  What do you do?  Well, first of all, with such a death of a dream, time is all that can make it manageable.  While we strive to put the pieces of the "us" back together to make it singular, fighting the thoughts and fear of rejection can bring a great sense of darkness to our worlds.  I can only speak for me, but when you love and believe together, those are two pretty strong bonds, so those strong bonds take time to heal. 
   
I still believe, through all the heartache and sorrows that life is meant to be shared.  To hold the hand of someone and believe in them is the greatest reward in this life.  I choose to not let the sorrows that have made parts of my life dictate to me the treasure that is found in believing in someone.  Perfection, no thank you, money, that can be made together, but connection, now that is what I am talking about.  One thing about getting older is you learn the beauty of life from a different angel.  Of course when I was younger, I thought I knew everything about how I felt, but I didn't.  I carried my life with pride and worked hard and learned so many things through the years.  My joy of cooking, baking, sewing, a home, passion, disappointment, struggles and of course love, has brought me to this wonderful place where I have learned through all the pain the meaning of that word.  Love can be romanticized and built up to be this giant size dream we have in our head of everything going along smoothly and lovingly with hot passion (which there is) and undeniable feelings of perfect (which there isn't) and then when the stars start to fall from the eyes, and troubles of everyday and every changing life season, we sit back and long for that starry eyed state.  DON'T.....the true meaning of love is right there.  It is the bills, the home, the kids, dogs, cats, in-laws and outlaws of the family.  It is heartache and fear and disagreements and challenges that sometimes feel like they are taking over far more than they should.   That is love, and life.  To trust and be trusted is the goal...

Now as I look in the mirror at this woman looking back at me, I see the lines around my eyes where I smiled at my friends, and the loves of my life.  I see the lines that encompass a world of family and living, and life again in grandchildren, and death of my dear sweet family that has now left me to try and figure it out on my own.  My wrinkles represent this learning that has taken place in a heart that has been shattered, and also glowed with genuine happiness at the lessons of my life and the structure of what has turned out to be me.  I know I will never be 20, or 30 or 40 again, and that is okay.  But I will love like I am.  Although this chapter of my life is  challenging to a  heart that is still bursting with those dreams that made those previous years the history of me, and age is something we know is going to happen, if we are fortunate, I still believe in the power of love.  One thing that no one can take from you, is the ability to love and trust another.  We may come to a place of fear, and push away and want to distance ourselves from that glorious feeling, but in reality....it isn't possible.  The lack of love or the offer of it will just replace itself with a sad loneliness that stays with us throughout and only stands to remind us of that loss.  It is hard to take chances and to grow enough in ourselves that we can challenge our spirits and souls to overcome something the mind tells us not too.  Trusting your heart and following it was the reason God made human beings so intricate and complicated.  The well put together human being was created for a balance of all emotions.  So when the fear sets in and the complications arise, they are suppose too.  Love is the strongest of all, and the most difficult to understand, but the reality of it all, is it IS ALL THINGS.    You already know that, I am sure, as you sit and contemplate your day, and talk of plans for dinner, and post snapshots of family, friends and proudly display you honey with that starry eyed look of happiness.  One thing is for certain, it doesn't matter what age you are, the grayest of hair, the laugh lines, the "I'm not how I use to be"....The only thing about you, that will never change with age, is the wisdom of your heart and spirit.  Listen to them and allow them to keep you young and alive....God kept them hidden unless we want them shown.  There my friends, is your fountain of youth.  Right there in you is the magic potion that keeps you going, dreaming, longing and caring.  Falling in love and staying in love is the greatest of rewards for life.  Sustaining that love and believing in it, gives you life.  You had the answer of the "Fountain of Youth" all along.......So as the years creep up and you watch the changes of life on yourself and others....In their hearts they are as young as ever...Can you see it in their eyes!  Never loose "sight"... hugs <3 p="">
Peace and blessings...